Things to Know Before You go Camping
by MandaB
Summary: Sirius goes Muggle camping and has a bad experience. Please RR and no flames thanks.


Disclaimer: I own nothing and trying to get any money out of me because of this fic is worthless. The characters belong to JK except for Bella and the idea of the story belongs to my cousin. The plot and the way the story is written belongs to me. 

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Hello. My name is Sirius Black and this is something that Prongsies wife is making me write. You mess up camping a couple times and she makes you write a bloody paper. That people is why we don't go camping with women, especially witch women, when they are pregnant. Oh and when they spent the better part of seven years with you and your friends learning all your pranks, which just happened to give her a short temper. Anyway lets get this started shall we?

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1. Poles are used for the tent, not for James and myself to sword fight and terrorize little muggle children. 

"Ooh! James look! Swords!" said 21 year old Sirius Black. "Raise your sword you scallywag!" 21 year old James Potter said back. The two stood in a dueling position and started to sword fight. As they started, a 20 year old 7 month pregnant Lily Potter waddled back with the papers from check in and her friend /Sirius' girlfriend Bella Gibbons. See the deal was the girls would go check in since both were muggle born and knew how to handle the money, while the boys would stay behind and set up the tents. Everything had to be done Muggle style because the girls insisted it was much better. 

When the girls had got the boys to stop sword fighting, Lily threatened them to put the tents up before she got back from the bathroom. Bella went with her because at 7 months pregnant Lily sometimes had trouble walking long distances. Once the girls left for the bathrooms the boys tried to figure out where the poles went. They looked quite stupid doing so and a little muggle boy laughed at them. Sirius already fed up with the tent took a pole and he and James chased the little kid with the poles. They would have used wands but Lily and Bella had confiscated those already. When Lily and Bella saw them chasing the poor muggle child with the poles, they apologized a million times to the parents, grabbed both boys by the ears and drug them back to camp. 

In a matter of twenty minutes the girls had the two tents put up and James and Sirius scared to ever do anything but put up a tent with poles ever again.

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2. Fire is pretty, good, warm and stays in the fire pit. It does not go in tents.

As night fell the girls had managed to cook a good dinner over the fire of hot dogs, corn on the cob and potato chips. The four were sitting and eating talking and just having a good time. "Lils you never told us a campfire smelled so good." Sirius said. "Yeah and the food tastes great." agreed James with his mouth full. "Thanks boys." Lily replied. Soon everyone finished eating and cleaned up, then went to bed. Around 3 in the morning, right when it gets real cold in the woods, Sirius wandered out of his tent grabbed a log and started a fire to keep warm in his tent. 

"Mmm… Sirius what smells so good?" Bella asked from the air mattress. Suddenly the flames grew bigger and caught a wall of the tent on fire. Sirius' eyes went wide as he replied, "Our tent." Bella still half asleep replied, "Well it smells delicious." Then his words kicked in and Bella shot up out of bed. "WHAT! SIRIUS YOU PRAT GET THAT LOG OUT OF HERE!!" she cried as she jumped up and ran to the door. She unzipped the flap, Sirius threw the log in the pit, and Bella ran for water. Sometime during all this James and Lily had woke up. Seeing the flames on Bella and Sirius' tent James ran for water and Lily grabbed her wand to repair any damages. 

As soon as everything was ok Sirius learned to leave the fire in the pit.

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3. There is no giant squid in the muggle lake.

The girls had changed into their swimming clothes the next morning and told the boys to hurry and do the same, they were going swimming. The boys changed and soon the four were on their way to the lake. When they got to it, Sirius almost had a heart attack to see that so many muggle children were in the lake. "AGH!! EVERYONE OUT OF THE LAKE! A GIANT SQUID WILL GET YOU! HURRY HURRY!!!!" yelled Sirius frantically. Bella took a look at all the parents and children staring at Sirius, and Sirius just continued to scream frantically. "WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?! LAKES HAVE GIANT SQUIDS COME ON GET OUT!!" Bella clamped her hand across his mouth and drug him away all the while telling the parents that he was a bit mental and that large bodies of water made him nervous.

"Sirius Black! There are no giant squids in muggle lakes! They are perfectly fine to swim in. There never has been and still isn't a giant squid in the lake now get your stupid butt in the lake and go swimming!" Bella cried. Sirius blushed and then went to get in the lake.

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4. Raccoons are as strong as me, they can fight me, and they will steal my food if I leave it out.

The group were sitting outside around the fire again, when raccoons came up to their garbage bag and started digging through it. "James I told you to put the garbage bag in the big dumpster!! Now look raccoons!" Lily whispered frantically. "Aw Lils they're just furry little things. Watch I can steal it back from him." Sirius told her as he walked over to the raccoon and started to take it back. The raccoon swatted at Sirius with his paw, and when Sirius jumped back in surprise the raccoon took the bag and ran. "That little bugger!" Sirius exclaimed. Everyone laughed and started to make dinner. 

Once finished eating Lily and Bella asked the boys to please put the food in the coolers and to make sure the coolers couldn't be opened so the raccoons didn't come back to steal the food. James and Sirius started talking, while the exhausted girls went on to bed, and never did put the food away. When both boys yawned more than they talked they too headed for bed. 

When the four woke up the next morning they went to fix breakfast. When they reached their food they noticed that the food left out was eaten, a can of coca cola was drank and half a pound of the sausage they had brought was eaten. Frozen solid. "UGH! Sirius!! This is why you put the food away!!" Lily shouted at him. James went to calm her down and Bella started cleaning up the mess.

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5.Mosquitos are not cute. They are itchy, evil, and come after whatever part of skin is exposed.

"Aw Lily look! They're so little and cute!" Sirius exclaimed. "Sirius those aren't cute they are evil!" Lily told him. The four friends were taking a walk around the campgrounds and Sirius had just saw mosquitoes for the first time. "How can they be evil Lils? They're so little!" "You will see Sirius. You will see."

"OW! THAT BLOODY BUG BIT ME AGAIN!" Sirius cried. Yep he found out why they are evil. He had so many bites that he looked like he had chicken pox. "That's it! I'll be back I'm going to go change." Sirius told them as he walked toward the tent. When he came back out he was wearing a hooded sweat shirt, thick pants, socks, house shoes and his hands were hidden in his shirt pocket. He sat back down and the four talked for awhile when suddenly Sirius cried out, "OW THEY BIT MY EAR!"

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6. Watch out for skunks. No they do not like you to chase them. 

"Aw Bella what a cute little animal!" Sirius said. The two of them were going for a walk in the woods while James and Lily drove into town to get more food. The animal in question was small, black and had a white stripe up the tail. You know, a skunk. "Uh Sirius those things are bad. You ever heard of a skunk?" Sirius shook his head. "Well they are those right there and they spray you with a nasty smelling spray, and you can't get the smell out unless you bath in tomato juice." "Oh. But maybe if I just pet it, it will be nice." Before Bella could stop him Sirius was walking over to the skunk. As he got closer the skunk raised its tail. "Aw see Bella he just wants to play. Hi there little buddy, I'm Sirius." As he lowered his hand to pet the skunk Sirius found out why the skunk really raised his tail.

"Um yes I know this is going to sound stupid but would you please page Lily and James Potter over the speakers please? I need to speak with them, it's urgent. This is Bella. Thank you." Bella said into the payphone at the front of the camp. She was fanning away a smell that was her boyfriend when she heard the line pick up. "Hello?! Bella is everything ok?" "Lils! Can you do me a favor?" "Uh.. Yeah what's wrong?" "Well see me and Sirius were going on a walk in the woods. And Sirius met a skunk. And the skunk just happened to like Sirius enough to spray him head to toe."

After bathing for two hours in tomato juice Sirius vowed never to touch another animal again without asking Bella, Lily, James or Remus if it was ok first.

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7. Sunscreen is a good thing. Don't forget it. 

"Ow why am I burning?! And LILY WHY IS MY SKIN SO RED?!" Sirius cried out. Lily waddled over to look at Sirius. "Its called sunburn Sirius. You and James haven't been using the sunblock have you?" she asked with a look. "What that funny lotion stuff you gave us? No we haven't didn't really see a point in wearing it." James said. "Well when you start peeling you'll understand the point." Bella told them.

A couple days later when they started peeling they did indeed see the point.

8. When out of good drinking water, go into town no matter how far away to buy it rather than use lake water for tea. Results with vary but all end in unpleasantness. 

"James could you and Sirius run into town and get some more drinking water? We're out and I really want some tea." Bella said. Lily agreed about wanting tea. "Nah we'll just use the lake water! I don't really feel like driving to town anyway." Sirius said. "Sirius do you know what can happen if you use lake water?" Lily asked him. "We'll be fine." he replied. "Yeah well you do that I'm going to apparate to a town and get some. I'll be back in a hour." Bella said as she walked into the tent to safely disappear. Sirius shook his head as he and James headed for the lake to get water. They returned made their tea and drank it. "See Lils we're fine." Sirius smirked. But that smirk soon turned to one of discomfort as he sat the tea down and ran for the bathroom with James close behind. 

A couple of hours later the boys returned pale faced and shaking. When asked what was wrong James politely told her, "Things I never knew where in my body left through parts I did not know existed on my body, in forms I had never seen."

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9. Cooking popcorn on the fire is not good.

"Bella I want some popcorn!" Sirius said. A couple months before the girls had taken the boys to a movie theater where they had muggle popcorn for the first time and it had quickly become Sirius' favorite. "Ok get the stuff and I'll make it." Bella said never looking up from her book. "No I'll do it just tell me where its all at." Sirius told her. Bella told him where it was and he went and got it. However Bella never told him what to cook it in so he just threw the kernels on the flames. In seconds popcorn was popping and being shot everywhere. "AGH! INCOMING!!" Sirius yelled grabbing Bella and ducking for cover. Hearing the noise Lily and James came out of their tent and seen the havoc Sirius had yet again caused. With popcorn flying everywhere, Sirius and Bella ducked under the picnic table and Bella shouting death threats if he ever did something that stupid again, Lily stopped the popcorn with her wand. Once the mess was cleaned up yet again Sirius was banned from doing something.

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10. When checking out don't say a word. Let Lily and Bella do all the talking. 

"Yes the Potter and Black party checking out." Lily said as she handed the man the park passes they had gotten. "Here you are 'mam and thank you for staying with us. Hope you enjoyed your vacation." The older man said to Lily with a smile. "I didn't!" Sirius exclaimed. Bella tried to shush him but he continued. "I was beaten by a tent and a muggle one at that!" "Muggle?" asked the man confused. "Ignore him to many traumas to the head." Bella told the man while smacking Sirius in the head but he still kept going. "I caught my tent on fire because no one told me the fire stays in the pit. Also I got scared over a giant squid that didn't exist in this particular lake but then again no one told me we were swimming in a lake anyway! AND THEN! You people need to not let your raccoons run loose! They were big enough to carry away little children! Same thing with your mosqutioe and skunks! I was eaten alive and sprayed by a liquid that made bubotober pus smell GOOD! I also got sunburn and drinking your lake water made me sick! I was attacked by flying lethal popcorn because no one told me that popcorn couldn't hit flames directly. Otherwise this was the best vacation I ever had, thank you for asking sir and we'll see you next year." Sirius finished. James was smirking knowing this was going to get Sirius in big trouble with Lily. Lily was flame faced with embarrassment and Bella was whacking Sirius in the head again telling the man that Sirius was mental from too many blows to the head.

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All in all it was a good trip and I had lots of fun. Lily can I be off the hook now? 

No Sirius your still in deep trouble. 

Ah Prongs where are you buddy?! Save me from your wife!

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Sorry Sirius your on your own. I've seen her mad and I'm not getting in on this. 

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And you call yourself my best friend.

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We are but Lily could kill me too so I'm staying out of this.

Smart move James.

Uh I'm Sirius Black and these are the things you should know before camping. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get out of here before Lils over there kills me. 

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A/N: Well? Read Review and let me know what you think.

Lotta Love,  
MandaB

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